Field Notes
Wedding planning questions, answered by a wedding planner
Twenty questions couples ask when they're planning a wedding without a planner, answered by Lucie Forster, wedding planner for fifteen years. Short answers here; where a question needs more, it links to the fuller page.
Lucie Forster, wedding planner, fifteen years.
Planning
Where do I start planning a wedding?
Definitely not as soon as you get engaged: take a moment to celebrate your engagement first, then start with a conversation with your partner about what you both want. Think about why you want to throw a wedding and how you want to celebrate your love, because the feeling you're trying to capture will dictate how you plan it. Perhaps you want to elope, perhaps you want 600 of your nearest friends at a large country estate, perhaps you want to take 20 people to a different country. Until you really feel into what a wedding means for you both, you can't begin planning it. Otherwise you'll get stuck with the standard advice timelines (book a venue, then the band, then your dress) and end up with a day that wasn't yours, a cookie cutter of someone's idea of what a wedding "should" be.
What order should I book wedding suppliers in?
Book from most scarce to least scarce, starting with the venue: the church, the reception venue, the hotel you want to stay in, whatever the local place is. Next comes your celebrant, if you have very strong opinions about who marries you and the kind of words they'll speak. After that, the key players who have a huge say in how your wedding finishes: your caterer for the kind of food, your florist for what they can do, your musicians. With that solid core team in place, you have time to add the finishing touches.
How long does it take to plan a wedding?
There's no set time. I've planned weddings for couples in anything from two months to two and a half years, and I know people who've done it in a week. It depends on what you're trying to create, how capable you are of creating it, and the team you have behind you.
What questions should I ask a wedding venue before booking?
Ask for a copy of the terms and conditions first; every venue should give you terms and conditions of some sort. Then the questions I always ask: Will we have the venue exclusively? What are your music and sound restrictions? Are there recommended suppliers we have to use? Are we liable if anyone breaks anything? Do we need insurance?
The full list, with what to check in the contract, is in the venue questions and contract checklist.
What should be in a wedding contract?
Start with the venue's own terms and conditions: every venue should be giving you a copy, so ask for it and read it before you sign. In this day and age you can feed those terms and conditions into Claude or ChatGPT, if you use them, to double-check everything.
What to look for, line by line, is in the venue questions and contract checklist.
How do I cut a wedding guest list?
Split it into three lists, and let the space decide how far down you go.
Everybody you can't imagine your wedding day without: the people you see in the pictures, the people you want to dance with, the people you want to see as you walk down the aisle. They're non-negotiable.
Anyone beyond that: school friends, work friends, extended family, plus ones, people who've invited you to their wedding, people you love.
Everyone other people say you need to invite. These usually come from family.
You're creating a celebration of your love, and you're under no obligation to invite everybody. It really is up to you. Some people will be annoyed, and that's fine: they'll get over it, we're all grown-ups.
Do I need a wedding planner, or can I plan it myself?
You don't need a wedding planner; you can plan it yourself. Depending on what you're hosting, though, it can become a full-time job. If you're putting on a large production, or one without much support from the venue, a lot of couples who go without a planner find it sucks the fun out of the process and adds stress to the relationship, and alongside a job it becomes a chore instead of what it should be, a joyful celebration.
If you have the funds, particularly for a larger budget, I'd hugely recommend one. If you don't, that's part of why I set up To Have + To Help: by-the-hour help for when you need a hand or advice from someone who's done it a hundred times before. See how the hour works.
What does a wedding planning consultation include?
Mine is an hour with me on video and the fifteen years of knowledge in my head, for €195, paid when you book, with a written note from me within 24 hours. We can talk strategy and I can give you a plan. You can come with difficult questions or decisions you have to make, or because you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed and I can teach you nervous system regulation tools to calm down and get back into a place of flow with the whole thing. You might be having trouble with family. It really can be anything.
It's designed to be an on-demand planner who's got your back, who isn't trying to sell you anything, and who wants to share advice you only get from working in this industry as long as I have. Book An Honest Hour.
Money
How much does a wedding cost in the UK?
Every wedding is completely different, but as a guide, good food for a few hours with an open bar and a cocktail reception runs at £100 to £150 per guest. You can get that cheaper and you can get it more expensive. I'm sure there are statistics on the average UK wedding, but I hate the word "average". Set your own budget instead: how much you'd be happy spending on one day, remembering that it is just one day.
How do I set a wedding budget?
Start with an open, honest conversation with your partner about how you're going to pay for it. Gather all the numbers (savings you're willing to put in, family who are happy to support you), see what's available, and decide how comfortable you feel spending something in that region. Build in some contingency, because some things go over and costs can spiral very quickly, and hold each other accountable for what's the right amount for you, knowing this is the start of your married life together.
I always like to reality-check my clients: you don't need to spend £50,000 on one day if you're also saving for a house. Of course, if you're making excellent money and want to drop half a million on the day, go for it. The number is relative. Lots of money makes a party more fun to plan, but it doesn't make the party better, and a small budget can go a long way, because the energy and the environment you create count for more than the details.
Where does the wedding money actually go?
Most of it goes on the venue and the food and drink, and catering is always a huge chunk. After those, the main things are:
Flowers, though you can be creative with them
Transport, usually an underestimated category
What you wear: the dress, the rings, bridesmaids, groomsmen
The entertainment
Accommodation, if you're paying for your own as well
How do I negotiate with a wedding supplier?
There's usually not much room, especially in a popular wedding destination, because suppliers have business and know they're priced competitively. In my experience most wedding services have at least 10% worked in for commissions and referrals, so if you're going direct you should be able to start at 10% off. After that it comes down to adapting the service: whether the supplier is happy to change what they offer or go off-menu for you. Remember it's a business: we're not here to haggle, and they should have set their prices accordingly.
So shop around, because prices vary. Check several prices for each type of supplier and ask to speak to their previous clients if you want to. You're using these people once, and if they fuck it up it doesn't matter so much to them, because you won't be a client again. Do your research and go to the right suppliers.
Is a wedding planner consultation worth the money?
I completely think it is. The information I can give you in one hour can save you thousands, tens of thousands, later down the line. It can give you peace of mind and the confidence to know what you can and can't do, what you should and shouldn't do, and how to work best for what you're trying to achieve, without kickbacks or referrals to a friend network. It's worth its weight in gold.
An Honest Hour is €195 (about $218, about £163). Book the hour.
Family, partners and stress
How do I handle my mum and my mother-in-law disagreeing about the wedding?
Speak to them calmly, lovingly and with compassion, and remind them that this is your day and it's up to you to do whatever you want with it. They may disagree, but they should be more focused on your happiness, and on the couple's happiness. Family dynamics always get insanely interesting when you're planning a wedding.
More on handling them, with things to say to each of them, in when your mum and your mother-in-law disagree.
How do I say no to family about the wedding?
You can just say no: it's your wedding. We have this strange misconception that we're doing it for our families, and in some cultures that may be more the case, but you're getting married because you want to get married. Your "no" can be a full sentence.
It's impossible to throw a wedding and keep everyone happy, so remember that from the beginning and do what makes you happy. Everyone else will fall into line, and if they don't, there's a deeper issue at play than their opinion on what your wedding should look like.
My partner isn't interested in wedding planning. What do I do?
That's okay, and more often than not it's the ins and outs of planning they're not interested in, which is different from not being interested in marrying you, so make sure you have that distinction. Speak to them openly and honestly, because you don't want to carry all of the burden by yourself. Give them a few small tasks, like picking the menu or the entertainment, so you can see them taking part, and make time to explain and update them on what you're doing.
If they're still not interested, get support from somewhere else. Planning alone with a partner who isn't interested is very stressful and can cause a lot of arguments, and the support you need doesn't have to come directly from your partner.
Why does wedding planning feel so stressful?
Because you're event producing, which is one of the more stressful jobs, and you're spending a large amount of real money while you do it. You have all this expectation of how it needs to look and how you want it to go, and you're bringing together people from all sides of your life. Accept that it's a stressful environment, acknowledge it, and find the best ways for you to manage it.
How do I stop overthinking wedding decisions?
Own your own vision: think into what you want, and don't get too distracted down the rabbit holes of style shoots and people claiming you should be hand-making all your decorations. It's very hard not to overthink, particularly with social media and Pinterest. Once you've made a decision, move on. If it doesn't feel right you can go back and change it, but don't dawdle over a decision you're happy with.
The day itself
How do I make the wedding feel like us and not a template?
Make it so that when your guests walk in, they can tell whose wedding it is; I always tell my clients that. Start with a conversation about how you both enjoy spending your time and the things you do together, and work those threads into the day and the entertainment. There's no right or wrong way of doing this. Social media has made us think weddings need to look a certain way, and that's not true: some of the greatest weddings I've ever been at didn't even look like weddings. So do what makes you happy, what brings you joy, gives you energy and makes you laugh, and go from there.
How do I actually enjoy my wedding day?
Get everything you were planning or in control of as done as possible before the day, then hand it over: to someone you've booked to help on the day, or to family or your bridal party. The day goes in the blink of an eye, and after so many months of planning you'll be shocked at how quickly it disappears. Things might go wrong or not go as planned, and it doesn't matter: you're there to celebrate your love, and you could spend the whole day worrying that the flowers aren't quite the right shade when no one's noticed. Nobody knows what you were trying to achieve, only what they're witnessing. The most important thing is that you're there, present in your day, feeling the love of everybody who's come together to celebrate you both.
Book the hour
If one of these is your question and it won't settle, An Honest Hour is sixty minutes on video with Lucie for €195 (about $218, about £163). You pay when you book and can move it once, free, with 24 hours' notice, and her note comes within 24 hours of the call. Calendly shows the times in your time zone.
Lucie Forster: fifteen years of weddings and no reason to sell you anything. She runs To Have + To Help.
If this sounds like your wedding, bring it to An Honest Hour.
